Monday, February 08, 2010

Why Mayonnaise is Evil (and other self-evident truths)

Over the years, I've often been mocked by family and friends for my "finicky" eating habits - their words, not mine. I've borne these slanders for many years with nary a word in my defense - but the days of passive-aggressive sulking are past. It's time to justify myself.

To be honest, I don't see why I should be targeted out as being finicky. My personal Index of Forbidden Foods isn't a multi-volume work, after all - it can fit it into a single index card:

1. Mayonnaise
2. Anything that contains mayonnaise
3. Anything that looks like mayonnaise

I admit, there are a few other items (which I'll deal with below) but that pretty much comprises 90% of the list.

So, why do I hate mayonnaise (or as I call it, Satan-snot)? Oh, there are reasons. So many reasons. Let me enlighten you, dear reader, on why this unnatural phosphorescent alien smear simply begs to be eradicated from the records of human consumption. But be warned - if you currently enjoy the white death, this may change your attitude.

Reason the First: the Origin
France. Nuff said.

Reason the Second: the Name. 

Just look at it. It's impossible to spell. I pride myself for my good spelling - I usually only use spell-check to get rid of typos and whatnot. But I had to break out the red squiggles to get this misbegotten atrocity of a noun right. Why the hell is there a double N, but no double S? This is retarded spelling even for a french word.

Reason the Third: What It Looks Like.
There's a simple rule I follow in my food dislikes - if it looks like it came out of an orifice, I ain't putting it back in. Now, mayonaisse....I mean mayonnaise...($$&#$!) is a double offender on this one. Think about it. How would you describe mayonnaise?
  1. It's white
  2. It's slimy
Now, can you think of any other substances that are white and slimy? And where they came from? Here are some other "white'n'slimy" makers:

Need I say more? Please, please don't make me.
Incidentally, this is why I also don't like oatmeal and the chocolate and banana varieties of pudding. Think about it. 

Reason the Fourth: the Taste.
Ah, the taste of mayo! How should I declaim on it? Speak, muse, and inspire me! All the pain of a raw jalapeƱo without the pesky zip and zest! All the appeal of a year-old diet coke without the zero calories! A succulent combo of an overripe appendix wrapped in a rotting banana peel, garnished with stomach acid and bearing the scent of halitosis!
I'm making stuff up, of course. Actually, I've only tasted the albino torture paste three times in my life - every time by accident. But every time I get my nose near a jar of the stuff, I'm strongly inclined to scatter my oatmeal all over the floor.

At this point, some of my readers may think I'm a tad obsessed. Well, guess what, bubbo? I'm not alone. There are in fact several coalitions of the sane out there in Internet-land - just google "mayonaisse haters" and see what comes up! We even have a facebook page! Bouyah!
Well, the fight goes on against the insanity, and sometimes I admit I despair of ever prevailing. And I fully acknowledge that those who are still in the thrall of the White Glop from Hell may view me as odd. To those people, I say: Right back atcha, matey. And besides, if you think I'm weird, you should meet my brother in law, who doesn't like chocolate and kiwis. What a freak.


  1. Charlene Doman3:16 PM

    My dearest brother...I probably can not change your mind, however, let me at least educate you a little on the wonders and deliciousness of mayonnaise.

    1. Origin: the recipe was actually brought back to France from Menorca (which is a part of Spain). Anything that has Spanish origins, is culturally superior, and rocks your world.

    2. The spelling is believed to have evolved from the word "mahonesa". Your disdain for its current spelling can only be attributed to your own "English" origins...which, again, are inferior to those of Spanish origin. Hence, the lack of common sense in its spelling...well, that is on you, my dear GRINGO brother.

    3. The ingredients that make up this heavenly substance...Do you like eggs? Do you like olive oil? These are the incredibly delicious ingredients that are the base for this delight!

    4. The taste. It sings on tastebuds. It adds a depth and richness to a simple, plain, sandwhich...and raises it to completely new level of yumminess. My heart is sad, for you, my lowly, deprived and unsophisticated brother. Alas (yes, I am using that again), you are never to enjoy one of finer things in this life. You, who are doomed to a life of plain sandwhiches and blah foods.

    You, "Odd"?? in your disdain of, I think the word is (**sigh**) "unsophisticated".

    By the way, you can check out the Mayonnaise Lover's Society...they have a Facebook Page too :)

    Love, Your Hispanic (and more sophisticated) sister-in-law :)

  2. My dearest sister:

    My thoughts towards you can best be summed up by quoting Ulysses S. Grant - who, upon receiving Robert E. Lee's surrender at Appomatox, reflected that:
    "my own feelings..were sad and depressed. I felt like anything rather than rejoicing at the downfall of a foe who had fought so long and valiantly, and had suffered so much for a cause, though that cause was, one of the worst for which a people ever fought, and one for which there was the least excuse. I do not question, however the sincerity of those who were opposed to us."
    Or, to quote G.K. Chesterton:
    "There is nothing possible between us but honour and death."