Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Most depressing (and scary) food name ever

Yep. Fruit-flavored snacks
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 Is this what the once-mighty advertising culture has descended to? Couldn't they think of anything better than this? Fruity-Os? Frooty Goodness? Snack-a-froot-aroos? Anything? 

Don't try and distract me with awesome giant flesh-eating lizards. Your brand name still kills my soul.
I thought we had scraped the bottom of the barrel (sorry, the cylindrical container) with Crispy Hexagons - but clearly I was wrong. 
Seriously, I'd like to meet the guy who came up with this crappy name and just say: "Thanks a lot, jerk. When it comes to making the world a little LESS interesting, you take the cake (or as you would put it, the sugar-flavored bread). Way to go." 
I wonder how he would reply. 
Then again...he may not. 
He may just vaporize me with his ion-powered shoulder-mounted laser beam and sweep my ashes into the nearest incinerator. 
That's right. He may not even be human:  
Little-known fact about Terminators - they love mayonnaise. 
Think about it. "Fruit-flavored snacks" - well, it may not be flashy, but it certainly makes sense in a creepy, inhuman way. I mean, that's what they are. Snacks flavored with fruit. Ergo: Fruit-flavored snacks. Totally logical. Too logical for a human. 
And cunning, too. They try to hide their inhuman nature with flashy packaging and cartoon animals:  
We will distract them with extinct reptiles.
So Skynet may have taken over the food advertising business. So what? What's the worst that can happen?

Well, for starters, it means we'll start seeing food names like this: 

Meat stick
Cheese packet

Meat Stick

Corn Not On The Cob
Exploded Corn Not On The Cob

Meat Stick Coated With Pulverized Corn Not On The Cob Mixed With Flour-ERROR.

searching for alternate word combinations... Corny Meat Stick

Cow's butt
Stuffed Cow entrails
Meat Stick
Of course, some food names won't change at all...
Bottled water
...although if the machines had senses of humor (note: they don't. Nor do they have souls) they'd call it "something your grandparents secretly laugh at you for buying." 
So that's that. It's only a matter of time before they take over. Watch for the warning signs. Watch for grocery stores stocking more and more products with bland packaging and incredibly boring names... Oh. Wait. 

You've always thought these things were creepy. Now you know why.