My name is Daryl.
And I am the Chair of St. Peter.
I am here because today, February 22nd, is an ancient and mighty feast day in honor of...me.
I, the Chair of St. Peter.
Now I shall recite an epic poem that tells of the heroic deeds of...me.
Oh Great! Oh Glorious Daryl!
So old! So gold! So sterile!
I've endured greatest perils!
Made more jokes than Will Farrell!
Did you know that I write Christmas Carols?
Ah. Larry. I was expecting you.
The Chair knoweth all.
Balderdash! I come by every year! Look, Daryl, I've had enough! I, the Hat of St. Peter, protest!
(Heavy sigh...) Very well. What is the nature of your protest?
I protest the idea of giving a feast day to a moldy, pompous old stool!
What? (Splutter) I'll have you know that I'm a throne, not a-
A stool, I say! A stool with delusions of grandeur!
I shall endure your impudence with patient silence. The chair shall prevail, despite the ravings of one lone article of clothing-
I, the shorts of St. Peter, protest!
And we, the shoes of St. Peter, protest!
...Kevin? Phyllis? Argus? How could you?
I, the shirt of St. Peter, protest!
Oh, Bob. Not you too.
Sorry man. But Larry has a point.
I see. Anyone else?
Save it. There's no way I'm going to be lectured by a kitchen utensil. I've been around longer than any of you, and-
Not longer than us! We remember when you were like us, Daryl...just a simple, humble fisherman's stool, willing to serve the master and be content.
And then you started calling yourself a throne...
And writing epic poems about yourself...
You are certainly not sterile!
Okay, fine. Maybe the poems were a bit much. But I am a throne. The master said so.
No! You're no greater than the rest of us!
Hold on. We hear someone coming!
..so Cunningham's in his own endzone, and then he lobs it 63 yards-
No way! I don't believe it!
It's true! Happened in 1990 against the Bills...hey, wait a sec. What is my spatula doing in here...and why is it screaming?
...Um...actually, all of your things are screaming.
HIM! The German!
Run away! Run away!
Um...Hey guys. What's going on?
Master! How could you be associating with HIM!?!
Um...well, actaully, to be fair, I said those regrettable things about his successors. The men who sit in that chair over there.
Leave me out of this! I got enough on my plate today!
But I was wrong. I didn't understand-
Silence, heretic! Master, shall I smite him for you?
Heh heh. No, that's okay Janet. Why don't you tell us what's going on?
(5 minutes later...)
Okay...I think I understand. Time for a teaching moment.
Actually, Pete, I'd like to take this, It's the least I can do.
I agree, brother. Go ahead.
All right guys. So you're all angry about Daryl here being arrogant, and pushy, and pompous...right?
That's right, heretic. And especially that he calls himself a throne.
But he is a throne. Sorry, but he's right about that.
What? Master...is this true?
Yep. Every word.
Ha! Told you! Who's da man? DARYLL's the man; I mean, the THRONE! Woot! Woot!
Ah, Daryll. I was just getting to you. You DO know that this feast, Feb. 22, the Chair of St. Peter, isn't actually about you, right?
Ha ha! Nice job, heretic!
That's right, Daryl. It's really about Jesus. Jesus started it all. He put me on that throne when he told me, "You are Rock, and upon this rock I will build my Church, and the gates of Hell will not overcome it." And ever since then, my successors have sat on that throne, and Hell hasn't overcome the Church. Not for lack of trying. And that's what this feast is really about.
Ha ha! You see, Daryll! You're just a piece of furniture after all, you pompous, motheaten...
Hang on there, Larry. You got to show Daryll a little respect. Don't do what I did.
Oh yeah? And what did you do, heretic?
Glad you asked. Well, I had to deal with some pretty pompous popes back in my day. Worse than pompous, actually. Corrupt.
Sigh... that's right.
And that's what started me off on the wrong road. I was so angry at the corruption and the lack of focus on Jesus that I went too far. I didn't stop with condemning the corruption; I condemned the papacy itself...and then the Mass...and that lead me more and more into error. I grew more anti-semitic, for example; a horrible sin. And I incited violence and wars. In the end, my actions led to a permanent split in the Church, a century or more of wars all over Europe, religious persecutions on both sides, and suffering and violence...all because I didn't respect the Chair of St. Peter.
So what are you doing up here, heretic? Why aren't you down in the other place?
Because he loved Jesus, of course! As did his followers...and all of the separated brethren! So stop calling him heretic!
Well...let's be honest, Pete. I was a heretic.
Well...that's all in the past. And your followers are not. We're all part of the Body of Christ. And we need to work together; now more than ever.
Amen to that, brother. So all of you need to get along. Daryll, stop being such a jerk. And the rest of you...no matter how big of a jerk he is, respect his office. Okay?
...can I still make poems about myself?
Not unless you want to get smitten.
Happy Chair of St. Peter Day!
(Editor's note: Sorry this was so late. I was sick. That's why).